Background: I have, in the past year or so, lost a lot of weight. I've done this through the thoroughly boring method of "watching what I eat" and "exercising all the effing time." It's been pretty awesome.
Sometimes, now, I catch myself rubbing at the hollows on my body. I see (usually in the shoddy reflection of a dirty window) a smudge on my face or neck or arm and I think it's dirt, so I rub at it. It doesn't come clean, so I rub harder. And suddenly, always, it hits me... that isn't dirt. It's a hollow, the shadow cast by my bone. My bones which have always been there but which I'm just now getting acquainted with for the first time in ten years.
I still turn sideways to walk through spaces that I can now fit through walking straight. I still pick up the wrong size from the shelf to try on, and have to return, incredulous, for a smaller size. I lay on my side and am shocked when my knees clank uncomfortably together. I forget that I'm constantly cold now, and don't carry a sweater when I should. I feel, if anything, more awkward exposing any amount of myself than I did before I lost the weight.
Before, I was fat. Go to hell, who cares, it's not any of your business, is it? This is me. Like it or shut up.
Now, I am... average? chubby? Not fat anymore, but not thin either, a mess of stretched wrinkly skin and tiger stripes, which are luckily not red, but which do shine purplish-blue in the light. My body looks like a mom's, but I have never been pregnant, never carried another around with me for months. I just carried around a bunch of fat for years.
And, yes, the benefits in health and happiness when it comes to having lost this weight have proven immeasurable. I sleep better, I have better skin, I can run and jump and bike and play without wanting to die. Life is so much better. And, yes again, I will continue to shape my body into what I want it to be. The skin will tighten, the muscles will firm, and I will get used to the new person I am living inside.
In the meantime, though, the disconnect between my body and me continues to amaze. I'm inside this shell literally always. When will it stop surprising and confusing me?
Sometimes, now, I catch myself rubbing at the hollows on my body. I see (usually in the shoddy reflection of a dirty window) a smudge on my face or neck or arm and I think it's dirt, so I rub at it. It doesn't come clean, so I rub harder. And suddenly, always, it hits me... that isn't dirt. It's a hollow, the shadow cast by my bone. My bones which have always been there but which I'm just now getting acquainted with for the first time in ten years.
I still turn sideways to walk through spaces that I can now fit through walking straight. I still pick up the wrong size from the shelf to try on, and have to return, incredulous, for a smaller size. I lay on my side and am shocked when my knees clank uncomfortably together. I forget that I'm constantly cold now, and don't carry a sweater when I should. I feel, if anything, more awkward exposing any amount of myself than I did before I lost the weight.
Before, I was fat. Go to hell, who cares, it's not any of your business, is it? This is me. Like it or shut up.
Now, I am... average? chubby? Not fat anymore, but not thin either, a mess of stretched wrinkly skin and tiger stripes, which are luckily not red, but which do shine purplish-blue in the light. My body looks like a mom's, but I have never been pregnant, never carried another around with me for months. I just carried around a bunch of fat for years.
And, yes, the benefits in health and happiness when it comes to having lost this weight have proven immeasurable. I sleep better, I have better skin, I can run and jump and bike and play without wanting to die. Life is so much better. And, yes again, I will continue to shape my body into what I want it to be. The skin will tighten, the muscles will firm, and I will get used to the new person I am living inside.
In the meantime, though, the disconnect between my body and me continues to amaze. I'm inside this shell literally always. When will it stop surprising and confusing me?
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