Thankful

I'm sort of in a dark place at the moment. I am just desperately homesick. Like, feeling a weight sitting on my heart, pressing down on my lungs, making it hard to breathe levels of homesickness. And the funny thing is that I'm homesick for America for the first time ever, or at least the first time that has lasted more than a few hours. I've been gone for so long that I was starting to think that I was immune to homesickness, that I truly was a nomad without a home, and that I could count myself as blessed for that immunity and the freedom it conferred. But I actually feel much more lucky for being homesick. I miss America! I miss the country on my own passport! What a crazy idea. Add to that Hungarian homesickness, and... wow. Expat Thanksgiving will happen this weekend, except that I won't be there. I'm so happy that it will happen, but I'm also really really sad.

(My first Thanksgiving in Hungary, a lifetime ago, I got drunk in a freezing cold house and then yelled at Balint that he was being a bad coteacher. I yelled at him for translating "igen" for me, because what kind of an idiot did he think he was?, even though he was actually just being kind. I fell down a flight of stairs and pulled him with me while walking him down to his scooter. I then proceeded to go back upstairs and steal all the champagne in the house. I woke up the next morning, mortified and hurting, but discovered that, much to my continued amazement and delight, this wasted mistake, this vulnerability, had made us friends. I think I will always think of Balint on Thanksgiving.)

So. Dark place. Crying at work whenever someone messages me, and being pretty much near tears the rest of the time. I need to snap out of this, so I'm going to attempt to make a list of things that I am thankful for. They're not in order of importance, but just in the order they've been sitting on my mind. I have tried to exclude superficial things, though, as thankful as I am for my new electric blanket...

• At this time last year, I was just starting to accept that I was really quite sick. I'm so, so thankful that it all turned out to be nothing more than a very-treatable brain-stem infection, and not the tumor I was absolutely certain it was. It's crazy to think that just one year ago, I was pretty much certain that I was dying, and here I am fit as a fiddle.
• I am thankful that I have a beloved best friend who knows me, deep down inside, and actually loves me more for the ugly parts. I am thankful that we have traveled the world together, and that I know what real love (real sharing, abiding love) is as a result of having known her. I'm even thankful for how very much I miss her.
• I am thankful that I have a good job that I care about which also allows me time and money to do other things that I care about. I'm really thankful to not have to be constantly worried about my job any more. I'm thankful that I can support myself and pay for all my needs and reasonable wants.
• I am thankful for the new friends I've made here in Korea, because this would all really be pretty much impossible without them. I am thankful for my coteachers and their unflagging patience.
• I am thankful that I have lived in beautiful, complex countries that have touched my heart and molded me into myself. I am thankful that I have left little pieces of my heart in other places, because they keep me connected to the rest of the world and remind me just how small and vulnerable I actually am. I am thankful for the three Laurens that exist in three distinct languages.
• I am thankful that I have been able to travel to and around thirty-seven marvelous countries. I am thankful to have met their people, seen their sights, tasted their food, and spoken their languages. I am thankful that this won't be coming to an end in the foreseeable future.
• I am thankful for my family: how very close my dad and I have gotten over the past few years, my mom's making a way for herself, my sister and I talking again, and my grandparents still being around to worry about me.
• I am thankful for my friends who are far from me, but still close in my mind and heart. I wish I could see you all every day.
• I am thankful for all the tv shows, movies, and books that give me something to look forward to, think about, pick apart, and obsess over.
• I am thankful to Magdalena for taking care of my sweet Dexter in his old age, because knowing that he is loved and cared for is the only reason I was able to leave him.
• I am thankful for hope, butterflies and dumb leaps of faith. I am thankful for a heart that is not so scared that it won't jump.
• I am thankful for my parents' dogs and for the cats I've lived with over the years and all the happiness and silliness they have brought into my life. I'm thankful for my rats and all the sweet tummy kisses and playfulness.
• I am thankful that I am mostly strong and independent. I am also thankful that I can be needy and that I cry at the drop of a hat. I am particularly thankful that I don't cry easiest when I am sad, but when I am touched by the kindness of another. I am thankful that this is getting worse and worse as I age and turn into a bigger sap.
• I'm thankful for cooking, running, writing, and all the other things that bring a moment of silence into my loud-mouthed brain.
• I'm thankful for my older friends and the wisdom and patience they have shown me while they helped me to become a better person. I can only hope to be as amazing as you.
• I'm thankful that tomorrow will be another day for me to eat up, and that so many people will be helping me do so.